I Never Said I Wanted To Be A Mom

[long post][spirituality][about] What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s a question we’re asked over and over as we approach adulthood. If you’re anything like me, your answer was different every time someone asked you that question. I wanted to be a teacher, a musician, a surgeon, an Air Force officer, a grocery store clerk … There were many careers I fantasized about, but I never, not once, ever said I wanted to be a mom.

As high school came to a close, I still had no clear vision on what I wanted to do with my life. I was an excellent student and I wanted to go to college but I had no idea what for. With the help of my dad’s counsel, I ended up joining the United States Army. This would be a great opportunity to earn some money and put some direction in my life.

So, there I was about two years into my service agreement, when I was suddenly compelled to have a baby with the man whom I had been dating for about a month. It turns out I found someone just as crazy as I am because he agreed on one condition - “we should probably be married if we’re gonna have a kid together”. I immediately agreed. You can call us young and stupid - many of our friends and coworkers did. That didn’t stop us from getting married three months later though. I was pregnant within that year.

I got out of the Army at seven months pregnant. Soon after I started asking myself that childhood question of what do I want to be - rejecting the idea that A MOM was a perfectly legitimate answer to that question. I knew for sure that I wanted to be a stay at home mom but not “just a mom”. I used the educational benefits I earned from serving in the army (still not knowing what for). I babysat friends’ kids. I taught Zumba group fitness classes. I made and sold things. It’s not that we needed the money; it’s that I needed something to do other than just be a mom.

In the fall of 2013, my baby started school. We had recently moved near a university and I wanted to go to school too. Up until then, I had been doing all of my classes online but now I would be able to really go to college like a real student like I imagined. I completed an AA in general studies (while pregnant with my second daughter in 2011). But for my bachelors, I had to decide on a major. I picked psychology because it was fun to read and talk about. I put my toddler in daycare and went to school and I loved it.

I was so good at college! It was so fun. I wanted to keep doing it! I applied to a scholarship so I could get my Masters in psychology too! I thought I was a shoe-in. When I got the rejection letter, I was devastated. The worst part was the board’s reasons for not choosing me. They said they loved me but I just didn’t have the research experience that the other candidates had. I did all the research I could. I did two semesters of independent study contributing hours and hours of labor for my professor’s research. But it wasn’t enough and there was nothing I could do to change that. I felt like I wasn’t good enough at the thing I’m best at. It was a hard blow and I was depressed for months after.

I ended up graduating magna cum laude. It was supposed to be summa cum laude but I delivered my third daughter during my last semester of school, skipped a bunch of classes, and got a B instead of an A in one of my courses. I didn’t want school to be over but it was over. I was back to my pattern of finding anything I could do instead of just being a mom. I tutored and I started a new Etsy shop among other things. I know hobbies are good, but not when you’re doing it to run away from the insecurity that you’re not even half as good at being a mom as you were at being a student.

Last year, I offered new answers up to the question. What do you want to be? A blogger? An emotional coach? A YouTuber? A social network marketer? Anything other than just a mom. PLEASE anything other than JUST A MOM.

I honestly wanted to be a good wife and mom but I never fully dedicated myself to it. I wanted to reap the benefits of being a good wife and a good mom without doing the hard work. I wanted people to think and say I was a good mom and a lot of people did. And maybe I was a good mom, but I knew my heart wasn’t fully in it and that caused a lot of pain and confusion. What a lot of people didn’t see was that I was selfish and arrogant and naive. Everything I did was to pacify myself. Everything I did was to make myself feel good. I loved myself more than I loved anyone else but I also hated myself more than I hated anyone else. The worst part was that I wasn’t even self-aware enough to know it until recently.

Current life circumstances have us in a tiny home, with only one car, with three kids, and we homeschool. I am either cooking or cleaning or otherwise caring for my family literally all day long. I am made painfully aware that anything I do other than take care of myself, my family, or my home takes precious time and energy away from caring for myself, my family and my home. My home is messier than it’s ever been. I’m more tired than I’ve ever been. I can’t keep up with the extracurriculars anymore. I can’t run away from being just a mom anymore.

It is at the point where I feel the most hopeless and broken and lost that I am finally ready to listen. It’s time to learn selflessness, humility, and wisdom. I’ve spent enough months complaining. By the grace of God, I can see the that this is loving discipline. Everything has been stripped away so I can finally focus on what’s most important. It feels like I am just now learning how to care for my children and my husband and myself. But it goes deeper than that though: I am seeing my kids, my husband, myself, and God in a way I never have before.

I am ready to love. I am ready to serve. I am ready to learn. I’m ready to start over.

I was angry at God for not giving me any gifts except those that cause me to excel at school. But those aren’t the only kinds of gifts he gives. He gave me the gift of life. He gave me the gift of an amazing husband. And He gave me the gifts of my three beautiful daughters.

I never said I wanted to be a mom but after almost a decade of being a mom, I’m ready to accept what God’s given me. I’m ready to step into the life He’s laid out for me. I can’t even pretend to know what all He has in store for me and my family. But I can say I can finally rest in knowing I am exactly where I need to be and doing exactly what I need to be doing in this season of life. I’ve never been a better wife and mother than I am now because I finally trust that God knows better than I do.

Thank you, God, for showing me I could never ever be “just a mom”. I am your humble servant and I am happy to serve you in the way that you best see fit in this season of life and forevermore. Bless my husband and children. Amen.

I'm Done

"Think twice" is a great and well-known saying, but there's an underlying message there ... I'd like to say ONLY think twice - not 3 times, not 10 times. Think twice and then do it or don't.

It's 2018. I don't want to waste another moment overthinking crap. I have three babies that are going to be grown in a blink of an eye. I don't want to waste my time and energy conscientiously contemplating my every move. Because guess what else? Planning, writing stuff on a calendar, obsessing over the right way to do something, asking myself constantly if I'm doing the right thing ... I've done it for too much of my adult life.

I've started peeling back layers of "shoulds" over the past few years and now I'm ready to see what life is like without them at all. Starting RIGHT NOW I'm letting go of shoulds and living the life I WANT. I am giving myself the authority to do so. Life is about choices and I'm going to start being more decisive.

This is me in 2018:


(and then she thought to herself "that's all I have, but I feel like I should write a good ending." And then she thought "you know what? It's fine how it is.")

Think twice.. But don't overthink it.

Peace ✌️

Tips to Increase "likes" and GENUINE Page Traffic on Facebook

[guest post] By: Kolie Dee

I read somewhere that a really low # of people you invite to "like" your Facebook page will actually do it ...somewhere around 10-15%, I think it was. However, about 95% of the people I've invited have "liked"/"followed".

I only started my Facebook account last spring, and I started it primarily for networking with people in my online university (Mom Mastery University (MMU)...where I met our favorite "The Laid-Back Homemaker!), people in my music academy, and other networking needs.

I originally reached out to the people I saw were the most proactive in MMU since they are the largest source of encouragement, support, and networking from that group.
After I created my group page, I invited everyone, and most of them accepted.

I think your profile pic is SO IMPORTANT! A fun pic can be great, but I think it's important if you're using facebook for networking, to use a pic that really suits/fits what you want people to see about you. i.e. my pic was professionally taken, and I think it shows I'm not the (pardon the crude term, but spacing a better phrase right now) "average joe" just taking a picture with my guitar...that I'm on a professional level with what I do. I know for a fact that my pic makes people curious, and has brought numerous people by to "friend" me out of curiosity.

Now that I have an "established" main Facebook account, whenever I "friend" someone, I always send a genuine message.

After they accept my request, THEN Facebook shows their name in people I can invite to my page. (When on your page, you will find a section that has the headline "Community".  Right under that, you'll click "Invite your friends to like this page".  Then scroll to your new "friend".  *I always check the box that says, "Invite in messenger".) 
I send a link from my page IMMEDIATELY to "like" it as soon as I see they accepted my friend request. This way they're immediately able to learn more about me by going to my page, so I think "curiosity" because I'm a new person to them gets them to click my link, and I'm sure everyone has that side of thinking they are a new friend and don't want to be "rude" by not clicking (though honestly, I've only had 1 person not "like", and I really don't think they're rude! lol).


I pm them, and send them some sort of friendly, genuine "Welcome to my page!" message of sorts, but nothing too wordy.
After I've sent a "welcome" message, and approved their request, then I know they will show up on my group page in the "invite friends" section. I immediately do so. I have yet to have someone not "like"/"follow" promoting my page this way.

Also, as good etiquette, and for the sake of real networking, I let them know I love networking and ask th em if they have a page. If they do I always "like"/"follow", and genuinely check out their page and interact as time allows on it. Hope this helps! I would love to hear from you if you think this helped you! All feedback is welcome! 

Kolie Dee
Singer, Songwriter, Speaker, and Mental Health Advocate. 
Kolie Dee Facebook page

I Have Two Words For 2018

My New Year resolution is to be aware & perceptive

Anyone who has watched my latest vlog (above) already knows that. But I was getting to thinking ... By saying that, I am pretty much admitting that I have been the opposite of aware & perceptive.

I thought the opposite of aware & perceptive were unaware & unperceptive. But when I Googled their antonyms, the results showed me that the opposite is ignorant & obtuse. 😔

I don't want to believe that I've been ignorant & obtuse. So I looked for another answer. Upon digging further in Thesaurus.com, I found that aware & perceptive have a common antonym of an antonym - it's inattentive.

And it's true; I've been inattentive. I've been so distracted by my own thoughts that I haven't been paying attention to my actions.
It's fun to be spontaneous, but it's not fun to pay the consequences for impulsive behavior. 😔

In 2017, I yelled at my kids, I said negative and rude things to my husband, I said plenty of negative things to plenty of others, I stayed up late (and slept in) too many times, I bought too many things than we really needed, and I let my emotions control me.

2018 is the year I only yell my kids' names (hey, baby steps), I think before I say something, I make a "routine" that works for me instead of trying routines that feel like work, I think before I act more, and I decide how I respond to tough situations.

I thought my two words of the year were going to be "aware & perceptive" but they're not.

My two words for 2018 are:

Pay attention.

No more distractions, no more excuses, no more self-hate. ✌️ Peace. See you in 2018. ♥️

#imperfect #grace #madeperfectbyhisgrace #resolutions #newyear #2018 #thisismyconfession #confession #imnotperfect #notperfect #nomoreselfhate

What are your words for 2018? Or what do you think of the ones I chose? Tell me in the comments. I wanna know

How to Co-wash With Mane n Tail Deep Moisturizing Conditioner Review

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About Me: A Work in Progress

[about] Andrea Belle Kim | Mother of Truth | Happiness Guru | Wife (to the most handsome and nicest guy in the world) | Mom (to 3 beautiful girls) | Sinner | Priestess | Prophetess | Creator/Believer | Patron Saint of Happiness | Daughter of The Most-High God | Follower of (The Breaker of Chains) Jesus Christ