I Refuse To Blog For Clicks And Views

[about][blogging/internet][self-care] Ever since I made my first YouTube vlog last Friday, I've been fighting a fear of failure because I've been putting too much pressure on myself.
Doing the YouTube videos caused me to lose sight, but at the same time also gain sight, into what I want out of doing this all.

I cried tonight. Hard. Like ugly and embarrassing cried in front of my husband. I told him I miss my friends and I'm lonely.
I told him I'm working too hard on trying to find ways to make more money from my website. You see, I naively believed that if I made money, I could help my husband be happy. He has about four years left before he can retire but it's draining on him. And today, I realized it's draining me too.

I used to be in denial about this but I can't any longer: this life is hard, y'all. Things that are hitting us the hardest right now are 1. having to move and leave friends 2. my husband's work hours and (if I'm being totally honest) 3. finances are tight.

I started this blog because I wanted to share my new laid-back life. I am filled with joy and peace where there constantly used to be anxiety. Sometimes that manifests into really cute moments - like Jojo wanting to play instead of going to bed - and me being okay with it. You can read the blog post I'm taking about by clicking here.

Somewhere along the way, I lost my way. That became evident to me today. When I first started this blog, I just wrote what I wanted to write. My goal was to be the blogger that I needed. (Thank God I wrote that goal down.) But I started getting a big head when my posts starting getting a little popular a little too fast. I started thinking I could give tips and advice. I even tried to sell emotional coaching for one week! The intention was beautiful: I genuinely wanted to help people. But the execution was wrong. I was already helping others by simply being my authentic self in blog form.

When my goal started to be about how I could get more views, the blog started to turn into work. If you've read my disclosure page, you know I don't want this to be my job. But nevertheless, that's what was starting to happen. I wasn't self-aware enough to catch it right away, but I'm glad I caught it when I did.

I will no longer write or make videos for clicks or views. I will only write when I want to and what I want. I will be the blogger that I need. I will, however, put some effort into my titles, images, and tags. And I will continue to share my content on all the social medias. Because I really care about what I am writing and I know it's made an impact on many of my readers already. I will continue to sell ad space but I won't be "working for Google". I also won't act like I'm an expert in anything. I genuinely love to help but I don't think I'm an expert in anything. I'm figuring this out as I go - just like everyone else is doing. The only difference is I prefer to do it alongside others. So ...

Thank you for allowing me to share my life and my truth with you. I've been called a Happiness Guru and Mother Of Truth my some of my fans, and it is my hope that I can live up to those prestigious titles. Psychologists who study happiness have decided that doing things that you are good at makes you happy. I am good at learning, I am good at thinking, I am good at sharing my thoughts and feelings. I've learned that sharing my truth makes me happy. Thank you for allowing me to do that. Thank you for sticking with me during my awkward finding-myself as a blogger/YouTuber stage.  And thank you for helping me feel like I'm not the only one trying to figure out this thing called life.